New writing endeavor, new protagonist. I thought that after Lysander, who makes an art form out of being contrary, I could handle anything, but nooo. Protag and I are already at odds.
Me: “‘Kay, good plot and all, but this is a romance, so we should probably start working on your love interest.”
Protag: “Oh, he‘s cute!”
Me: “…that’s the antagonist.”
Me: “No! You’re shy and he’s an asshole!”
Protag: “Is there a gentle, vulnerable soul hiding beneath his rough facade?”
Me: “No. That’s not how this book works.”
Protag: “Gimme anyway!”
The kidlet has been cranky lately. He has also been busy playing with the world’s most annoying baby toy drum set. In trying to retain my sense of humor, I thought about what sorts of tracks the kidlet would lay down if he were to record a CD. Here’s the list:
1. Look It’s A Thing Lemme Bash You In The Face With It
2. Everybody Hurts (When I Chew On Them)
3. Hi My Name Is Kidlet And I Want To Put Carrots In Your Face
4. The Boobie Ballad
5. Everything Is Stupid But Napping Is Worse
6. Ode To My Feetses
7. What Is This I Put It In My Mouth
8. Sleep Is For Losers
9. Food On The Ceiling
10. NAKED! (And Why You Should Be, Too)
Most authors I know occasionally have the same problem I do – sassy characters who just won’t take direction. Usually, they make for the most interesting protagonists because their ‘tude is memorable and entertaining. Lysander was definitely one such protagonist. When I was emailing a friend the other day and tried to describe what writing him was like, it went something like this…
“Okay, let’s start on this scene where you talk to Finn-”
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF MONSTROSITY IS HE WEARING?
“Um, who cares? You’re supposed to be talking about-”
OH GOD IT’S TIE DYE. KILL ME NOW.
“No, stop being so dramatic. First you need to-”
I REFUSE TO LOOK AT TIE DYE UNLESS I’M REALLY REALLY HIGH. ALSO, HAVE YOU MET ME?
“…fine, I guess we’ll deal with the tie-dye crisis first then.”
“You are not setting your cousin on fire.”
BUT HE’S WEARING TIE DYE!
So I’ve been trying to come up with an idea of what I am even going to put on this blog. These days, it’s pretty much expected of an author to be maintaining a blog, to entertain with funny, informational and thoughtful commentary on… well, that’s the rub. Who the hell knows?! Am I even interesting enough to pull this off? I just want to write some books and stuff!
So I’ve been asking everyone within a ten mile radius the question “What in the world should I write about in my blog?” The answers I got were as follows.
My beta reader:
“Uhhh. I dunno? Funny work anecdotes. Funny baby anecdotes?”
“The exciting and eternal struggle of what to feed your husband for supper.”
“The intricacies of achieving world domination without opposable thumbs.” *
“Food! Wait, what’s a blog? Can I eat it?” *
“How everyone should sit as proper and precisely as I do.” *
… and that’s when I gave up.